I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
