Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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