I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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