So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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