They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
