update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Randomize
