You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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