i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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