I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
high people should be assigned attendants
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
