drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
