I want to make a zoo with you.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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