they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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