I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
