Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
