Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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