well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
