Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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