I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
