I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Randomize
