I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
