Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
