I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
