I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
