I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
My ass is underappreciated
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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