I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
