When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize
