I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
