I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
