he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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