My nipple is on Facebook.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
