Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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