Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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