Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
