Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
