How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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