If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
