Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
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