So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
