the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I did not marry a roomba.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
