The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
