I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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