I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
