my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Randomize
