You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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