i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
