I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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