I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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