I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
