When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
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