Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
