Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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